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How Love Kills Desire

How Love Kills Desire

We all know what Love is and how wonderful it can be. Some people dream about it, others already experience it, and some know what it is like, but now it’s gone, so they’re in search of a new one. Still, we all have a clear understanding of what we would ideally like to achieve and how we visualize a happy relationship. 

Now let’s take a look at what happens in real life, almost invariably or in most cases. 

Enjoy the Rose-Tinted Glasses

We find Love, and begin to enjoy it. It’s mind-blowing, it’s perfect happiness, here’s the one and only “second half,” the best person in the world, the best in everything, including lovemaking. Oh God, what can be better! 

It’s an awesome period; the degree of awesomeness might vary, but this stage is invariably happy. Some carry it to the extremes in Romeo-and-Juliet style, others take it easy, avoiding traumas or tragedies, but, in any case, it’s the best time ever. We look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. 

We enjoy our “second half,” we share everything, we’re obsessed, we firmly believe that we’re made for each other… and we passionately make love. Of course, with some it’s better than with the others, not all people necessarily gush with lust. Some lack experience, some are still immature, others are unable to discard their inhibitions. Still, throughout this bout of passion, we feel  

liberated, with our passions released, we open up, go crazy, enjoy life avidly, we exalt in learning more and more about our loved ones. Intimacy and openness, novelty and accessibility, outpour of emotions – as a rule, they compensate for everything, make us indulgent and forgiving. People become generous, and this generosity is absolutely candid, they enjoy and let enjoy. Both partners are hungry and willing to give. Some give their bodies, some – emotions, some – energies… and some give it all. People feast on each other. For most of us, this is the best possible manifestation of Love. 

Nature’s Three-Year Bonus

It feels right, it feels true to the rules of nature; after all, it was nature that brought us together. It gave us this surge of hormones, this boost of emotions, it eliminated the boundaries between our bodies and encouraged us to go beyond the limits of common sense. 

As a rule, this folly lasts for a few months, up to a year. Then we begin to settle down. This process is highly individual, each of us has his or her own waning trajectory; still, nature is nature, its deed is done, it feels that a long-lasting craze is way too much. Whether our ardor has made us conceive a baby or not, we enter the stage of rationale. Hormones go back to normal, we regain our psychological balance; it’s time to get back on track, rather than make love through the night, forgetting about work and responsibilities; after all, life is built around stability. 

And what about this unity with our best beloved? Slowly but surely, the pattern of our happiness changes. We feel closer and closer, but the bustle and the excessive ardor of hypersexuality is a thing of the past. Our mutual understanding keeps improving, our bond gets stronger, we still enjoy our closeness, we cherish our love more and more. Our emotional, spiritual, practical ties keep improving, but as for ardor… ardor begins to retreat to the background. For one thing, our hormones go back to normal, for the other, the whole psychology of the relationship changes; we’re no longer passionate lovers, we’re in a stable relationship. In average, this period lasts for three years after the beginning of a sexual relationship. Let’s take a closer look at it. 

Unexpected Transformation of Love

Love Lasts Three Years is the title of a novel by a French writer Frédéric Beigbeder: the protagonist is constantly tormented by this question. Whether it is true or not, is a big question; besides, we should begin with the definition of love: romantic, passionate, nuptial… As a matter of fact, for the most part we dream about comprehensive love that would encompass not only stars from the sky, harmony, mutual understanding, kids, household, but a hot bed, too. Or at least a warm one, if we speak about the sexual part of our relationship. 

Unfortunately, reality tends to obliterate the ideals, and as the years go by, bed tends to get cold. The flames of ardor wither under the ashes of routine, and love turns into friendship. In some ways, it might even get stronger, but the flames of desire burn out, and boredom finds its way into the marital bed. Holding hands, we fall asleep with a happy smile, and each one sees his own erotic dream. We get more and more sexually estranged, and it’s a paradox. Slowly, but surely love pushes desire to the fringes of our relationship. Sex becomes less frequent, more formal and lackluster; it’s hard to call it ardor. 

Away with Rose-Tinted Glasses

In her book The Heart of Desire, Stella Resnick, an American psychologist, defines this process as the love and lust dilemma. Whether we like it or not, towards the third year of living together (and sometimes earlier) the majority of couples begin to feel that their mutual sexual appeal begins to dwindle, even if love is still there. Sexual frustration and boredom in bed manifest themselves stronger and stronger, possible divorce comes on the agenda, partners begin to cheat on each other or consider cheating. In some relationships these trends manifest themselves earlier, in others later; some rebel, others reconcile to it, but it doesn’t change the main thing: they all hit the next stage of their relationship that lasts three to four years. According to the average statistics from the developed countries, confirmed by numerous studies, after that only a small number of couples continue to live monogamously, satisfied by their sexual relationship. Towards the end of the seventh year of their relationship the majority of couples face the following issues: 

  • Every second couple gets divorced
  • Most of those who stay together have love affairs on the side (men and women in equal degree) 
  • Those who remain faithful to their partners face sexual degradation, which will negatively affect their appearance, physical and emotional condition 

For many of those who fall into the third category sex life is reduced to solitary masturbation. Watching porn and dreaming about satisfactory sex, they thus try to compensate for their sexual frustration. 

Still, some of the people who still live together continue to love each other, even though the intimate side of their relationship looks more like a parody on what it used to be in the beginning. But humans are flexible, they tend to adapt to any situation. Not all people feel fully frustrated by this change in their circumstances; in Japan and Singapore asexuality is a mass phenomenon, in Belgium and France adultery is taken for granted, while in Canada and the US masturbation is a norm. Resnick refers to the statistical data that show that over 90 percent of males and 65 percent of females in USA practice masturbation, and married couples are no exception. 

Love’s Lame Prank

Well, so what, it’s a highly personal matter, it’s not about criticizing anyone; however, let’s admit in all frankness if this is the Love we’ve been dreaming about, if this is the future that we had in mind when we met our “second half.” And even though decline of ardor is a mass phenomenon, almost a norm, did we think in the very beginning that our love would turn into a lame prank, that even after we were “bound forever” to “the only love of your life,” we would end up in this mess, with cheating, masturbation, frustration and health issues that result from sexual deprivation? 

“No, never!” people in love would answer to the question if that’s what they dream about when they put on the wedding ring by the altar. For some reason, a lot of people tend to think that this sad lot is not for them; unfortunately, they’re wrong. 

If you like my way of thinking or my style of writing in general, you might enjoy reading my novels, novellas, and short stories or others articles on this theme.

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If you like my way of thinking or my style of writing in general, you might enjoy reading my book on this theme.
Technology of HAPPINESS

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This book is based on 30 most popular and widely read books on the decline of marital sex, and it offers a workable method. This method includes practical guidelines, specific tips and methods for solving the problems.

A book that will help you to preserve the passion of your Love

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Thematic Book

eBookTechnology of HAPPINESS

This book is based on 30 most popular and widely read books on the decline of marital sex, and it offers a workable method. This method includes practical guidelines, specific tips and methods for solving the problems.

A book that will help you to preserve the passion of your Love

read morelook insidebuy book on AMAZON for 9.99$

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Contemporary outlook on intimate relations between men and women. Love, sex, freedom, restrictions. That is the sphere of my interests both as a writer and philosopher. I analyze, write, rationalize, offer solutions. Solutions for happiness, love quests and love preservation, solutions that help to enjoy life.

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